


Signs That Say No Dogs Allowed

by gelbes_gilatier



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Animals, Extraterrestrial Fauna, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-06
Updated: 2012-12-06
Packaged: 2017-11-20 12:19:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/585350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gelbes_gilatier/pseuds/gelbes_gilatier
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is what happens when a furry creature doesn't stay in the biology labs.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Signs That Say No Dogs Allowed

**Author's Note:**

> [Holiday Fic Request Meme](http://gelbes-gilatier.livejournal.com/289880.html). This one is for hanseatic_keks and was a bit tough, actually, because I struggled for a really good idea for the prompt, and I might have come up with something a bit... conventional (by Atlantis standards, anyway) but it was really fun to write so I hope it's equally fun to read :)

**Signs That Say No Dogs Allowed **

  
_“If only I could have a puppy_   
_I'd call myself so very lucky_   
_Just to have some company_   
_To share a cup of tea with me_   
_I'd take my puppy everywhere_   
_La la la la I wouldn't care_   
_Then we'll stay away from crowds_   
_With signs that say no dogs allowed_   
_Oh we... I know he'd never bite me_   
_We... I know he'd never bite me.”_   


_Harry Nilsson, “The Puppy Song"_

“Get that fucking thing!”

“It’s a _dog_ , Major! Or something like…”

“I most certainly do _not fucking care_ what is, Dr. Sarazano, I want to have it _caught_.”

Well. That certainly sounds most interesting. She is pretty sure that she just heard the voices of Major Lorne and Dr. Sarazano shout through the hall a few feet away.

“Oh _Jesus_ fucking Christ, the damn thing…”

“Do you need some help, sir?”

“ _You’ll_ need some help when I’m done with you, _Sergeant_.”

It is starting to become most interesting now. The new voice most certainly belongs to Sergeant Kotter. Curiosity at what Major Lorne and Dr. Sarazano could be doing here just turned into downright fascination. Major Lorne sounded really, as John would say, pissed off at the Sergeant and that is something fairly uncommon.

Usually, she only hears that tone in connection with Lieutenant Cadman and she is convinced that this time, the reasons are fairly different. Major Lorne usually does not growl at his subordinates unless they are called Lieutenant Laura Cadman and just blew up half a mountain with so much as a packet of C4 and mathematic skills that border on magic.

“I think he really likes you, sir.”

“Not you too, Cadman.”

Ah. It probably was only a question of time until she would also hear Laura Cadman. It is rare that she’s not present as soon as Major Lorne is in any difficulties.

And what _is_ going on there?

“Holy crap, can _someone_ please get this _off_ me?”

“If I might remind you, Major, a moment ago, you wanted to have him caught.”

Well, she won’t find out anything if she doesn’t go and look, she presumes. So she takes off and walks to where she can hear Cadman snicker at Dr. Sarazano’s remark. She can actually see the way Major Lorne is probably glaring at Cadman in her mind. John is right. She has been spending too much time around them lately.

And so she is just mildly surprised to see Major Lorne lying on the ground, a fuzzy ball of… _something_ sitting on his chest and panting into his face. It is very tempting to join Cadman and Kotter in grinning from ear to ear. There is a reputation she needs to uphold, though. “Do you require assistance with taking care of this _ishta_ , Major?”

There was most definitely a groan from him and more snickering from Cadman and Kotter, plus Sarazano. She almost feels sorry for Major Lorne. “No, thank you, Teyla. I can very well take care of it myself.”

Mh, yes, she can see that. Well, not. So she gives him a long look until she allows herself a small, almost sardonic smile. _Ishtas_ have certain unique features to mark the person they want to accompany for the rest of their lives. Apparently, this one chose Major Lorne. “He attached himself to you, didn’t he?”

Instead of anything from Major Lorne, there’s a three voiced “Oh yes it did,” from all three other attendants. Major Lorne has never more looked ready to commit murder. 

“Look who got himself an _ishka_ companion.” No, _this_ is the moment he has never looked more like he wanted to dismember and slowly kill someone. Of course Ronon _had_ to choose this moment for unmistakable glee in his voice at seeing Major Lorne brought low by a small, fuzzy creature.

“Apparently, I live to be this city’s main source of entertainment.” There is the familiar dryness again but with a certain… _edge_ to it. It does not dim Cadman’s and Kotter’s fun, though. Dr. Sarazano looks mildly entertained, as well. Great. All this situation needs to escalate is…

“And here I hoped you just lived to entertain Mister Woolsey and me, Major.”

“What did that idiot Lorne get himself into _now_?”  
  
…John and Rodney. She resists a deep, frustrated sigh. Just what they all needed. Lieutenant Cadman and Rodney and Major Lorne all in the place. She throws a pleading look towards John to take control of the situation.

Unfortunately, all he does is grin rather amusedly and saying, “Why, Major, is that one of those cute little creatures from M7P-874?”

There might or might not have been a mumbled death threat from Major Lorne.

“Honestly, John, why _do_ you keep employing soldiers here? Every time we encounter one, they’re in some kind of embarrassing and/or death threatening situation. And _most_ of them involve this Major Shorty here and…”

“You leave my commanding officer _alone_ , Rodney!” And there it starts. Why Rodney keeps insulting Major Lorne in Lieutenant Cadman’s presence – and vice versa – despite the threats of violence that will also inevitably follow _this_ situation, will always stay a riddle to her.

“Or what? You’re going to tell everyone about the crush I had on my first physics teacher? You are just so…”

She is pretty sure that she never saw an expression so full of loathing from just anyone directed at Rodney. And most certainly not from Cadman to _anyone_. “The one without your pants, Rodney.”

What… is that about? “You wouldn’t _dare_.”

Instead of the smugness that usually would have followed this if it had been said by Major Lorne, Cadman just crosses her arms and looks dead serious. “Try me.”

The silence that follows this is very telling. Apparently, no one thought Cadman could actually be _mean_ but that… well. That was… _intimidating_.

Until Major Lorne clears his throat and says, sounding actually miserable, “Could we focus on my furry little problem for a second? Please?”

As if on cue, everyone is looking at him but she doesn’t miss the dark looks Cadman keeps throwing Rodney. Maybe he did go too far this time. Though why… “You know… what actually _is_ his problem? Dr. Sarazano?”

The biologist throws John a look that says very clearly “Oh _now_ you ask?” but keeps that to herself and offers, “Apparently, the canine has developed some form of attachment to Major Lorne. It seems to have pinned him to the ground. Though why he can’t get up…”

“Because it’s damned _heavy_ , goddammit.” Actually, it is not. The _ishta_ are very small, probably the size of an Earth Yorkshire terrier – she is not sure if she ever wants to meet one again, after she met the one Mr. Woolsey says he still misses – and they are very light. Unless…

“Do you want me to tell them or do you want to do the honors?” Ronon now, his voice low and his eyes glittering with amusement.

And become a combatant in this battle, too? No, not for all the _kilaah_ cheese on Deva III. She gives him a withering look and he slightly raises his hands in a calming gesture. Then he turns back to the still discussing Earth people, amusement still very much visible. “The _ishta_ like to take companions from bigger species. It’s a kind of symbiotic relationship,” there is no reason for Rodney to look so surprised at Ronon using a scientific word but thankfully, Ronon leaves him alone, “Once they find a creature they want to attach themselves to, they pin them down with a naturally created force field until the creature yields and accepts them as their new companion. Or they find a better suited companion.”

There is also no reason for everyone to stare openmouthed at Ronon. And none for Cadman to mutter, “That’s gotta be the longest string of words he ever said.” When Ronon stares at her, daring her to say that out loud again, she just raises her hands in a gesture of yielding and then rolls her eyes. Ronon will probably get his retribution when they spar the next time.

“So… how about someone else offers companionship to this because I do _not_ have a place for a dog of doom in my life.” Sergeant Kotter seems to have a suggestion which is immediately shut with a simple but very decisive “No.” from Lorne. Kotter actually looks crestfallen.

Since apparently, no one else is interested in taking Lorne’s place, she sighs, rolls her eyes and then walks up to him to bend down and gently stroke the _ishta_ ’s fur the way her mother once showed her when they were on the creature’s home planet. Instantly, he starts to make a strange sound, something she has heard Eartheners describe as “purring”, and she continues stroking him and scratching him between his ears.

In the end, it takes her another five minutes for him to lose interest in Major Lorne enough to let go of him. She gently takes the _ishta_ up and faster than she as ever seen Major Lorne, he gets up and takes at least two big steps away from the _ishta_. She smiles and murmurs something in her native tongue, thanking the _ishta_ for letting go of Major Lorne and praising him for his friendliness and good behavior. The purring gets louder until it seems to fill the entire corridor. She feels the attempt at pinning her down, as well but quickly resumes stroking, telling the little guy that she has accepted him as her new mate and the pressure vanishes. Phew.

Dr. Sarazano is the first to regain the ability of speech. “Amazing. Would you mind helping me get it to our lab and telling me everything you know about this species?”

She smiles. The Expedition’s scientists’ eager and honest curiosity about phenomena she has known since she could walk still keeps astounding her. “Of course, Dr. Sarazano. Please lead the way.”

The biologist turns to walk but Sergeant Kotter seems to want to have a say in this, after all. “Excuse me, sir, but… could we adopt it as our mascot, sir?”

Ah, that again. John has told her about the Marines’ ongoing search for a mascot of some sort and how they’re still trying to smuggle all kinds of species back into the city.

That, and Major Lorne’s very decided warfare _against_ any foreign animals not belonging to the biology labs in the city. “Most certainly _not_ , Sergeant. And if I see only one more attempt at smuggling something small and furry into the city, I will personally see to it that the perpetrator is drawn and quartered.”

She has never heard of him resorting to death and torture threats, though. John does seem to have, either. “Suddenly, you are the scariest second in command I ever had.”

The grin on Major Lorne’s face that follows can safely be called unsettling and very, very smug. “Thank you, sir.”

“I’m pretty sure that wasn’t a compliment, sir.” Ah, so Cadman is the only one not in the least impressed by it. It would have been very out of character for her if she weren’t.

Major looks very much like he would love to _lunge_ for her. “ _You_ … I would be trying to melt into the wall, if I were you.”

“Just a moment ago _you_ were practically melting with _gratitude_ for my little intervention, _sir_.” He was, she can attest to that.

She wonders if all this bickering – borne mostly of frustration on Major Lorne’s and possible, worry on Lieutenant Cadman’s – isn’t compensation for something else they can’t or don’t want to put into action. John has hinted at it more often than not. “Cadman! That’s it. That’s…”

“A dismissal to attend to your duty in the armory, Lieutenant. You are free to go. I will take care of this from here.” She does love it when John is being all commanding and making peace in the same breath.

Most of all when  people actually listen to him. “Yes, sir.” And with that, Cadman is walking in the direction of the armory, not after throwing Lorne a look of… apology? And if she didn’t get it wrong, he seemed to have been apologizing as well. Interesting.

Which is why his slightly exasperated, “How is it she never says “yes, sir” to me?” from him earns him a, “Maybe you are giving her the wrong orders,” from her. And her, it earns bewildered stares from all people present. _What_ is the issue?

“Ah… how about you accompany Dr. Sarazano to the biology lab, Teyla and you accompany me to my office for a conclusive report, Major?” When no one moves, he apparently feels compelled to add, “I was just breaking this up. Teyla and Dr. Sarazano, biology lab. Major Lorne, with me. The rest of you, off with you.”

That seems to have been more effective, since Sergeant Kotter and Ronon use this moment to  excuse themselves, while Rodney seems to be most interested in following John and Major Lorne. It is interesting how effective both of them are in discouraging Rodney to do so with a simple mutual look of warning.

Muttering something not very favorable about soldiers, Rodney finally goes off into the opposite direction. That leaves her and Dr. Sarazano. She smiles encouragingly at the biologist. “So… let me give you an introduction to canine _ishta_ …”

 


End file.
